I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
