i wish my penis had a tongue
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
