3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
