So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Come share oat with me in your robe
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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