Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think i have herpe
just one?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
