from now on my penis is your penis
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
