Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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