Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
