Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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