I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't notice because vodka
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
