Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
