I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
