Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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