I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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