I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
