dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
