remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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