I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
