Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
