Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sext me about skeletons
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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