Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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