Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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