You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I intend to get homeless drunk
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
