I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
