She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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