i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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