I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
foreskin is a definite game changer
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
