i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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