i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
