I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
