Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
