Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
