and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
thus making me awesome and them whores
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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