Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
