my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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