Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's always time for handjobs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The uberlube is also flammable
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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