i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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