i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
