she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
high people should be assigned attendants
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
