ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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