peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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