Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
