Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
