It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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