did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
