Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
