I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
