god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
