Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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