the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
