please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
