its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
