dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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