Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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