Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
