im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
