note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
