What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
