Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
