not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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