I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
