i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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