...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
