He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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