make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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