I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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